To my mother, who is always there for me...
To my family and friends, who love me no matter what...
and to Rob....
Merry Christmas!
- Kristin
 |
| May the joy of the season fill your heart each day! |
Sunday, December 25, 2011
Merry Christmas!
To my children, who are gifts themselves...
To my mother, who is always there for me...
To my family and friends, who love me no matter what...
and to Rob....
Merry Christmas!
- Kristin
To my mother, who is always there for me...
To my family and friends, who love me no matter what...
and to Rob....
Merry Christmas!
- Kristin
Thursday, December 22, 2011
Christmas Cookies
Along with making pies, I love making cookies, especially Christmas cookies. Ever since I was a little girl, my family has had a tradition of making pressed butter cookies each year and I've certainly done my part to keep the tradition going.
The minute my kids see the cookie press on the counter, they know what is coming! This year, I took some pictures as I made the first batch to eat and share. Hope your holiday days are filled with something just as sweet!
Merry Christmas! =)
K
The minute my kids see the cookie press on the counter, they know what is coming! This year, I took some pictures as I made the first batch to eat and share. Hope your holiday days are filled with something just as sweet!
Merry Christmas! =)
K
 |
| A few simple ingredients (the butter is suspiciously missing!) |
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| The cookie press is loaded and ready |
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| Don't forget the sprinkles |
 |
| Warm from the oven |
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| Christmas Trees!! |
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| Multi-colored wreaths |
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| More! |
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| Putting together gifts of cookies |
Tuesday, December 20, 2011
Christmas Caroling in Boulder Creek
I invite you to join me tomorrow night, Wednesday, December 21st, for Christmas Caroling in Boulder Creek.
We'll meet at the Boulder Creek United Methodist Church at 6pm and walk from there around town singing carols and spreading Christmas joy!
Bundle up, wear comfortable shoes and bring a flashlight. No previous singing or musical experience required - just show up and be ready to have fun!
See you then... =)
K
We'll meet at the Boulder Creek United Methodist Church at 6pm and walk from there around town singing carols and spreading Christmas joy!
Bundle up, wear comfortable shoes and bring a flashlight. No previous singing or musical experience required - just show up and be ready to have fun!
See you then... =)
K
Thursday, December 15, 2011
Stepping Through the Open Door
It's been more than two months since the occurrence of the open door and I've wondered about it ever since. Patience has been my constant companion as I wait for the moment to take my first step through the open door set before me and into my new life.
Wait no more! I have now signed a lease for a new rental home and will be moving in a month. I'm delighted with the charming little house I found, which will be perfect for both me and my son. I'll admit to being nervous about moving and disheartened with leaving my home, for good this time, but I trust this new path I've been set upon and will take each step with faith in my heart, all the while quieting my fears.
I can't leave, though, without being sad. So many dreams are lost with leaving. So many things will be left behind. The grieving process over losing my home has been long and complicated, peppered with hope and disappointment. All of this will now become the past as I turn towards a brighter future with countless possibilities.
I am looking forward to moving. I am also looking forward to my life. I hope you also have something to look forward to - drop me a note and tell me what it is!
K
Wait no more! I have now signed a lease for a new rental home and will be moving in a month. I'm delighted with the charming little house I found, which will be perfect for both me and my son. I'll admit to being nervous about moving and disheartened with leaving my home, for good this time, but I trust this new path I've been set upon and will take each step with faith in my heart, all the while quieting my fears.
I can't leave, though, without being sad. So many dreams are lost with leaving. So many things will be left behind. The grieving process over losing my home has been long and complicated, peppered with hope and disappointment. All of this will now become the past as I turn towards a brighter future with countless possibilities.
I am looking forward to moving. I am also looking forward to my life. I hope you also have something to look forward to - drop me a note and tell me what it is!
K
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| My charming new home! |
Thursday, December 8, 2011
MF Global
If you aren't paying attention to what's going on with MF Global, well, you really should be. I've been following the MF Global bankruptcy via The Market Ticker blog, written by the award winning blogger and author, Karl Denninger. His latest piece on the topic, repeated here in its entirety, needs your time and attention.
As I opined rather quickly when MF Global collapsed, the real risk is not that a futures merchant went under. Brokerages go under all the time -- I went through two "consolidations" after 2000 and in both cases my assets and trading accounts were simply moved over to a new entity. How "forced" those were is open to some question, but from my perspective I went to bed one day with an account at "X" and woke up with one at "Y". Nothing disappeared.
The problem occurs when you wake up and assets have disappeared. This has become a disturbingly-common pattern of late, from Bernie Madoff to Stanford and now MF. As Reuters reports:
What most people don't understand is that when you open a brokerage account you allow your assets to be used to "borrow, pledge, repledge, transfer, hypothecate, rehypothecate,loan, or invest any of the Collateral"
Absolutely standard boilerplate language.
But here's the problem -- this is "in accordance with Applicable law."
This use, incidentally, is why brokers scream that trades are "just $5!"
Well, yes. But your money is being used by the brokerage, more or less, as collateral.
But there's a difference between earning on your funds and securities (which brokerages do all the time) and stealing your assets. The latter occurs when the law is circumvented -- whether legal or not.
And it appears that it was -- UK laws appear to contain no limits on the amount of hypothecation or re-hypothecation that can take place. MF Global thus appears to have transferred client assets outside of US jurisdiction where they were then subject to much looser -- effectively zero -- in the way of risk controls!
But the underlying means by which this escaped surveillance is the same means by which both Lehman and Enron blew up -- the use of off-balance-sheet vehicles to hide total risk exposure.
Specifically, these "repo to maturity" deals which our current law permits to be booked as "purchase and sale" agreements, thus realizing the expected coupon flows as "profit."
The flaw in this reasoning is that a "true sale" must be just that -- it must leave you with no obligation beyond the execution. But that's not true here -- if the collateral declines in value either in the interim or at maturity the entity can be forced to make up that shortfall either through posting more margin or through an offsetting settling charge.
As such allowing this to be taken off the balance sheet is an outrage, as there is a continuing obligation and risk of loss that goes beyond the date when the agreement is consummated. That is, it's not a "true sale" despite being able to be counted as one under existing law.
The myth that is operative here is that lending to sovereigns is "zero risk" and thus the face value of a sovereign bond is the value at maturity. This fiction leads to the accounting treatment. But this is a factual lie -- not only now, but always, because lending to a sovereign is nearly always, as a matter of both fact and law, unsecured.
As such there is nothing other than a bare promise standing behind these loans - and governments break promises all the time.
If you remember some of my earliest rants from 2007 they focused on the off-balance-sheet games that were being played at the time. I called them nuclear financial weapons of mass destruction because they are -- such vehicles are always a scam in some form, as the only reason to use them is to hide from customers, regulators and the common public the amount of risk you have on.
That is, they have as their essential purpose in each and every case the intentional hiding of the amount of leverage that the entity involved has taken on, and thus it serves to intentionally overstate the amount of loss that entity can absorb before it is rendered bankrupt.
In short, in each and every case the intent is to deceive and thus induce other parties to enter into transactions at terms they would not be willing to transact under were they to know the truth.
THEY ARE THUS INHERENTLY FRAUDULENT CONSTRUCTS IN EACH AND EVERY CASE AND IF WE HAD AN ACTUAL JUSTICE SYSTEM IN THIS COUNTRY EACH AND EVERY INSTANCE OF THESE CONSTRUCTS WOULD BE TREATED AS A SERIOUS FELONY RESULTING IN ARREST, INDICTMENT, PROSECUTION AND IMPRISONMENT.
We learned this when ENRON blew up with their infamous "barge" transactions and then once again in 2008. Yet despite these two stunning examples and absolute proof that the essence of these transactions is the intentional hiding of risk and deception of clients and counterparties we have refused to prosecute these "instruments" as unconditionally unlawful acts despite the fact that their essential purpose is in every case the deception of others.
And now we have farmers and others who did the right thing -- who engaged in ordinary financial practices that have existed for centuries and which should have involved no execution risk of materiality at all -- who once again got robbed through the intentional hiding of risk and this intentional deception.
The damage is to systemic liquidity and confidence. The games are still being played this morning over in Europe in a furious attempt to "restore confidence" but in point of fact the underlying scam lies here -- and until it is addressed and stopped there will be no resolution or stability.
The Agriculture Committee this morning is once again playing "dog and pony show" while Eric PlaceHolder refuses to indict and Obama says that "nobody did anything unlawful." This is a blatant and outrageous lie by all parties in the government -- off-balance sheet acts are in each and every case an act undertaken with fraudulent intent as their entire purpose is to conceal the risk and size of a given transaction.
And finally, let me reiterate what I've said since this story broke: So long as there are off-balance-sheet liabilities and derivative contracts have preference over deposits -- both of which are true in the present time -- this very same risk is present for anyone with a BANK OR INVESTMENT ACCOUNT OF ANY TYPE in The United States. If you believe otherwise you are wrong.
MF Global: The SERIOUS Issues Reach Mainstream Media
As I opined rather quickly when MF Global collapsed, the real risk is not that a futures merchant went under. Brokerages go under all the time -- I went through two "consolidations" after 2000 and in both cases my assets and trading accounts were simply moved over to a new entity. How "forced" those were is open to some question, but from my perspective I went to bed one day with an account at "X" and woke up with one at "Y". Nothing disappeared.The problem occurs when you wake up and assets have disappeared. This has become a disturbingly-common pattern of late, from Bernie Madoff to Stanford and now MF. As Reuters reports:
(Business Law Currents) A legal loophole in international brokerage regulations means that few, if any, clients of MF Global are likely to get their money back. Although details of the drama are still unfolding, it appears that MF Global and some of its Wall Street counterparts have been actively and aggressively circumventing U.S. securities rules at the expense (quite literally) of their clients.Yep.
MF Global's bankruptcy revelations concerning missing client money suggest that funds were not inadvertently misplaced or gobbled up in MF’s dying hours, but were instead appropriated as part of a mass Wall St manipulation of brokerage rules that allowed for the wholesale acquisition and sale of client funds through re-hypothecation. A loophole appears to have allowed MF Global, and many others, to use its own clients’ funds to finance an enormous $6.2 billion Eurozone repo bet.
What most people don't understand is that when you open a brokerage account you allow your assets to be used to "borrow, pledge, repledge, transfer, hypothecate, rehypothecate,loan, or invest any of the Collateral"
Absolutely standard boilerplate language.
But here's the problem -- this is "in accordance with Applicable law."
This use, incidentally, is why brokers scream that trades are "just $5!"
Well, yes. But your money is being used by the brokerage, more or less, as collateral.
But there's a difference between earning on your funds and securities (which brokerages do all the time) and stealing your assets. The latter occurs when the law is circumvented -- whether legal or not.
And it appears that it was -- UK laws appear to contain no limits on the amount of hypothecation or re-hypothecation that can take place. MF Global thus appears to have transferred client assets outside of US jurisdiction where they were then subject to much looser -- effectively zero -- in the way of risk controls!
But the underlying means by which this escaped surveillance is the same means by which both Lehman and Enron blew up -- the use of off-balance-sheet vehicles to hide total risk exposure.
Specifically, these "repo to maturity" deals which our current law permits to be booked as "purchase and sale" agreements, thus realizing the expected coupon flows as "profit."
The flaw in this reasoning is that a "true sale" must be just that -- it must leave you with no obligation beyond the execution. But that's not true here -- if the collateral declines in value either in the interim or at maturity the entity can be forced to make up that shortfall either through posting more margin or through an offsetting settling charge.
As such allowing this to be taken off the balance sheet is an outrage, as there is a continuing obligation and risk of loss that goes beyond the date when the agreement is consummated. That is, it's not a "true sale" despite being able to be counted as one under existing law.
The myth that is operative here is that lending to sovereigns is "zero risk" and thus the face value of a sovereign bond is the value at maturity. This fiction leads to the accounting treatment. But this is a factual lie -- not only now, but always, because lending to a sovereign is nearly always, as a matter of both fact and law, unsecured.
As such there is nothing other than a bare promise standing behind these loans - and governments break promises all the time.
If you remember some of my earliest rants from 2007 they focused on the off-balance-sheet games that were being played at the time. I called them nuclear financial weapons of mass destruction because they are -- such vehicles are always a scam in some form, as the only reason to use them is to hide from customers, regulators and the common public the amount of risk you have on.
That is, they have as their essential purpose in each and every case the intentional hiding of the amount of leverage that the entity involved has taken on, and thus it serves to intentionally overstate the amount of loss that entity can absorb before it is rendered bankrupt.
In short, in each and every case the intent is to deceive and thus induce other parties to enter into transactions at terms they would not be willing to transact under were they to know the truth.
THEY ARE THUS INHERENTLY FRAUDULENT CONSTRUCTS IN EACH AND EVERY CASE AND IF WE HAD AN ACTUAL JUSTICE SYSTEM IN THIS COUNTRY EACH AND EVERY INSTANCE OF THESE CONSTRUCTS WOULD BE TREATED AS A SERIOUS FELONY RESULTING IN ARREST, INDICTMENT, PROSECUTION AND IMPRISONMENT.
We learned this when ENRON blew up with their infamous "barge" transactions and then once again in 2008. Yet despite these two stunning examples and absolute proof that the essence of these transactions is the intentional hiding of risk and deception of clients and counterparties we have refused to prosecute these "instruments" as unconditionally unlawful acts despite the fact that their essential purpose is in every case the deception of others.
And now we have farmers and others who did the right thing -- who engaged in ordinary financial practices that have existed for centuries and which should have involved no execution risk of materiality at all -- who once again got robbed through the intentional hiding of risk and this intentional deception.
The damage is to systemic liquidity and confidence. The games are still being played this morning over in Europe in a furious attempt to "restore confidence" but in point of fact the underlying scam lies here -- and until it is addressed and stopped there will be no resolution or stability.
The Agriculture Committee this morning is once again playing "dog and pony show" while Eric PlaceHolder refuses to indict and Obama says that "nobody did anything unlawful." This is a blatant and outrageous lie by all parties in the government -- off-balance sheet acts are in each and every case an act undertaken with fraudulent intent as their entire purpose is to conceal the risk and size of a given transaction.
And finally, let me reiterate what I've said since this story broke: So long as there are off-balance-sheet liabilities and derivative contracts have preference over deposits -- both of which are true in the present time -- this very same risk is present for anyone with a BANK OR INVESTMENT ACCOUNT OF ANY TYPE in The United States. If you believe otherwise you are wrong.
Wednesday, December 7, 2011
Life Without Regret
Is it possible to live a life without regret?
After reading Bronnie Ware's Regrets of the Dying, I wanted to turn each regret into an action item as a reminder of how I want to live each and every day. Listing them here for you, but do visit Ms. Ware's website and blog... you'll find lots of great stuff there!
1. Find the courage to live a life true to myself and not the life others expect of me.
2. Don't work so hard!
3. Express your feelings...
4. Stay in touch with your friends.
5. Let yourself be happy.
K
Excerpt from Regrets of the Dying - by Bronnie Ware
1. I wish I'd had the courage to live a life true to myself, not the life others expected of me.
This was the most common regret of all. When people realise that their life is almost over and look back clearly on it, it is easy to see how many dreams have gone unfulfilled. Most people had not honoured even a half of their dreams and had to die knowing that it was due to choices they had made, or not made.
It is very important to try and honour at least some of your dreams along the way. From the moment that you lose your health, it is too late. Health brings a freedom very few realise, until they no longer have it.
2. I wish I didn't work so hard.
This came from every male patient that I nursed. They missed their children's youth and their partner's companionship. Women also spoke of this regret. But as most were from an older generation, many of the female patients had not been breadwinners. All of the men I nursed deeply regretted spending so much of their lives on the treadmill of a work existence.
By simplifying your lifestyle and making conscious choices along the way, it is possible to not need the income that you think you do. And by creating more space in your life, you become happier and more open to new opportunities, ones more suited to your new lifestyle.
3. I wish I'd had the courage to express my feelings.
Many people suppressed their feelings in order to keep peace with others. As a result, they settled for a mediocre existence and never became who they were truly capable of becoming. Many developed illnesses relating to the bitterness and resentment they carried as a result.
We cannot control the reactions of others. However, although people may initially react when you change the way you are by speaking honestly, in the end it raises the relationship to a whole new and healthier level. Either that or it releases the unhealthy relationship from your life. Either way, you win.
4. I wish I had stayed in touch with my friends.
Often they would not truly realise the full benefits of old friends until their dying weeks and it was not always possible to track them down. Many had become so caught up in their own lives that they had let golden friendships slip by over the years. There were many deep regrets about not giving friendships the time and effort that they deserved. Everyone misses their friends when they are dying.
It is common for anyone in a busy lifestyle to let friendships slip. But when you are faced with your approaching death, the physical details of life fall away. People do want to get their financial affairs in order if possible. But it is not money or status that holds the true importance for them. They want to get things in order more for the benefit of those they love. Usually though, they are too ill and weary to ever manage this task. It is all comes down to love and relationships in the end. That is all that remains in the final weeks, love and relationships.
5. I wish that I had let myself be happier.
This is a surprisingly common one. Many did not realise until the end that happiness is a choice. They had stayed stuck in old patterns and habits. The so-called 'comfort' of familiarity overflowed into their emotions, as well as their physical lives. Fear of change had them pretending to others, and to their selves, that they were content. When deep within, they longed to laugh properly and have silliness in their life again.
When you are on your deathbed, what others think of you is a long way from your mind. How wonderful to be able to let go and smile again, long before you are dying.
Life is a choice. It is YOUR life. Choose consciously, choose wisely, choose honestly. Choose happiness.
After reading Bronnie Ware's Regrets of the Dying, I wanted to turn each regret into an action item as a reminder of how I want to live each and every day. Listing them here for you, but do visit Ms. Ware's website and blog... you'll find lots of great stuff there!
1. Find the courage to live a life true to myself and not the life others expect of me.
2. Don't work so hard!
3. Express your feelings...
4. Stay in touch with your friends.
5. Let yourself be happy.
K
Excerpt from Regrets of the Dying - by Bronnie Ware
1. I wish I'd had the courage to live a life true to myself, not the life others expected of me.
This was the most common regret of all. When people realise that their life is almost over and look back clearly on it, it is easy to see how many dreams have gone unfulfilled. Most people had not honoured even a half of their dreams and had to die knowing that it was due to choices they had made, or not made.
It is very important to try and honour at least some of your dreams along the way. From the moment that you lose your health, it is too late. Health brings a freedom very few realise, until they no longer have it.
2. I wish I didn't work so hard.
This came from every male patient that I nursed. They missed their children's youth and their partner's companionship. Women also spoke of this regret. But as most were from an older generation, many of the female patients had not been breadwinners. All of the men I nursed deeply regretted spending so much of their lives on the treadmill of a work existence.
By simplifying your lifestyle and making conscious choices along the way, it is possible to not need the income that you think you do. And by creating more space in your life, you become happier and more open to new opportunities, ones more suited to your new lifestyle.
3. I wish I'd had the courage to express my feelings.
Many people suppressed their feelings in order to keep peace with others. As a result, they settled for a mediocre existence and never became who they were truly capable of becoming. Many developed illnesses relating to the bitterness and resentment they carried as a result.
We cannot control the reactions of others. However, although people may initially react when you change the way you are by speaking honestly, in the end it raises the relationship to a whole new and healthier level. Either that or it releases the unhealthy relationship from your life. Either way, you win.
4. I wish I had stayed in touch with my friends.
Often they would not truly realise the full benefits of old friends until their dying weeks and it was not always possible to track them down. Many had become so caught up in their own lives that they had let golden friendships slip by over the years. There were many deep regrets about not giving friendships the time and effort that they deserved. Everyone misses their friends when they are dying.
It is common for anyone in a busy lifestyle to let friendships slip. But when you are faced with your approaching death, the physical details of life fall away. People do want to get their financial affairs in order if possible. But it is not money or status that holds the true importance for them. They want to get things in order more for the benefit of those they love. Usually though, they are too ill and weary to ever manage this task. It is all comes down to love and relationships in the end. That is all that remains in the final weeks, love and relationships.
5. I wish that I had let myself be happier.
This is a surprisingly common one. Many did not realise until the end that happiness is a choice. They had stayed stuck in old patterns and habits. The so-called 'comfort' of familiarity overflowed into their emotions, as well as their physical lives. Fear of change had them pretending to others, and to their selves, that they were content. When deep within, they longed to laugh properly and have silliness in their life again.
When you are on your deathbed, what others think of you is a long way from your mind. How wonderful to be able to let go and smile again, long before you are dying.
Life is a choice. It is YOUR life. Choose consciously, choose wisely, choose honestly. Choose happiness.
Monday, December 5, 2011
The Go-Go Girl
This past weekend, I was invited to attend a holiday costume party where the theme was the 1960's. Along with the party invitation, I also received an invite to pick a costume out the day before. If you've not had the opportunity to play dress up in a costume shop, let me just say you should definitely give this a whirl... I haven't laughed so much in one day in a very long time!
After much consideration and a few outfit changes, I found the perfect mini-dress and chunky, white go-go boots. Couple that with a long red wig, black eye liner and false eye lashes and the transformation is complete.
Sgt. Pepper was my date and we laughed and danced the night away. I couldn't have had more fun! I hope your weekend was just as good... drop me a note and tell me what YOU did! =)
K
After much consideration and a few outfit changes, I found the perfect mini-dress and chunky, white go-go boots. Couple that with a long red wig, black eye liner and false eye lashes and the transformation is complete.
Sgt. Pepper was my date and we laughed and danced the night away. I couldn't have had more fun! I hope your weekend was just as good... drop me a note and tell me what YOU did! =)
K
Added 12/15/2011: Here's a pic from the party.. - K
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| Having a great time with Sgt. Pepper! |
Tuesday, November 29, 2011
Thoughts of My Father
The sun is out today, bathing my life with warmth and sunshine. The windows and doors are open, the music is on, the chickens are free ranging and I find myself traveling down memory lane with thoughts of my father.
We lost Dad more than two years ago and it still seems surreal that he won't answer an email sent to him. It's sad, really. There are things to share, experiences to reveal and new people to discuss, but none of that will occur.
My father is Frank Centofante, a world renowned knife maker who lived a quiet life pursuing simple pleasures. He could often be found in "the shop", where his magnificent creations were born, or spending time with his beloved dogs or my step-mother, his wife of more than 40 years.
Today as I read the many articles about the "late" Frank Centofante and marvel at his masterpieces, some still available for sale, I can't help but think of all that is lost with his passing. The man, the brother, the husband, the father, the artisan, the Catholic, the hall of famer, the writer, the grandfather, the great grandfather - they live only now in the memories of those he touched with his love, his craft, his life.
I miss you, Pop... even more today.
- Krissy
We lost Dad more than two years ago and it still seems surreal that he won't answer an email sent to him. It's sad, really. There are things to share, experiences to reveal and new people to discuss, but none of that will occur.
My father is Frank Centofante, a world renowned knife maker who lived a quiet life pursuing simple pleasures. He could often be found in "the shop", where his magnificent creations were born, or spending time with his beloved dogs or my step-mother, his wife of more than 40 years.
Today as I read the many articles about the "late" Frank Centofante and marvel at his masterpieces, some still available for sale, I can't help but think of all that is lost with his passing. The man, the brother, the husband, the father, the artisan, the Catholic, the hall of famer, the writer, the grandfather, the great grandfather - they live only now in the memories of those he touched with his love, his craft, his life.
I miss you, Pop... even more today.
- Krissy
Monday, November 28, 2011
A Political Turn
The original Off Topic blog was very politically oriented due to my involvement in the 2008 Presidential campaign and my following of the financial crisis of 2008. Unfortunately, that content is lost and I've avoided politics as a topic on my surviving blogs... until today.
It is important for Americans to understand that the political process in our country has been hijacked and until the average American wakes up and bands together, the crap will continue. I don't agree with everything the "Occupy Wall Street" movement stands for, but I do believe this movement is founded in truth and in the hearts of the average American and I hope with all hope it succeeds in forging hope and change.
This video from the Occupy LA Movement "Teach In" with Bill Black is fantastic. Listen to the entire video - it's 15 minutes and worth every second of your time.
Educate yourself, America, and get involved. Without YOU, our nation will never get back on track!
Thursday, November 24, 2011
Time for Pie
I am not a glamorous cook. Nonetheless, I enjoy cooking for the holidays, especially Thanksgiving.
However, with everything that's happened recently, I had decided not to cook today, but yesterday at the last minute, I changed my mind and headed to the store for the few items I would need for what will be the smallest holiday meal I've ever produced: dinner for two for my son and I.
By far, my favorite holiday item to whip up is pie! I'll add that my son's favorite holiday item to consume is also pie. Sure, the turkey and stuffing and mashed potatoes with gravy are delicious, but the peak of the day is without a doubt my favorite pie filling baked perfectly within a light and flaky crust coupled with a cold, tall glass of milk.
It is the crust that makes the pie, by the way, in case you were wondering. Think about it - a great filling baked into a chewy and heavy crust just doesn't work. Ever seen a dessert plate with the entire crust still on the plate, but the filling has been entirely eaten? However, a mediocre filling nestled within a perfect crust... well, that just might work. Of course, the goal is to have the perfect filling baked within the perfect crust, but if you're going to skimp, skimp on the filling not the crust!
It's easy to make a crust from scratch, it just takes a little practice. My mother taught me how to make one years ago and to this day I still marvel at the ease with which she can roll one out. I have to take it slow, but the result is just as good - a light, flaky and crisp crust every time. Okay, maybe not every time.
Depending on who you talk to will determine the exact "secret" to the perfect crust. I have mine and I'm sure you have yours. Send me a note if you want to compare!
In the meantime, I'm putting together the traditional dishes for our family and we'll top it all off later with the perfect pie. I hope your day has something perfect in it, too!
However, with everything that's happened recently, I had decided not to cook today, but yesterday at the last minute, I changed my mind and headed to the store for the few items I would need for what will be the smallest holiday meal I've ever produced: dinner for two for my son and I.
By far, my favorite holiday item to whip up is pie! I'll add that my son's favorite holiday item to consume is also pie. Sure, the turkey and stuffing and mashed potatoes with gravy are delicious, but the peak of the day is without a doubt my favorite pie filling baked perfectly within a light and flaky crust coupled with a cold, tall glass of milk.
It is the crust that makes the pie, by the way, in case you were wondering. Think about it - a great filling baked into a chewy and heavy crust just doesn't work. Ever seen a dessert plate with the entire crust still on the plate, but the filling has been entirely eaten? However, a mediocre filling nestled within a perfect crust... well, that just might work. Of course, the goal is to have the perfect filling baked within the perfect crust, but if you're going to skimp, skimp on the filling not the crust!
It's easy to make a crust from scratch, it just takes a little practice. My mother taught me how to make one years ago and to this day I still marvel at the ease with which she can roll one out. I have to take it slow, but the result is just as good - a light, flaky and crisp crust every time. Okay, maybe not every time.
Depending on who you talk to will determine the exact "secret" to the perfect crust. I have mine and I'm sure you have yours. Send me a note if you want to compare!
In the meantime, I'm putting together the traditional dishes for our family and we'll top it all off later with the perfect pie. I hope your day has something perfect in it, too!
 |
| Rolled out |
 |
| Ready for finishing touches |
 |
| Filling, please! |
 |
| Pumpkin pie is on the menu today, but my favorite is Pecan! |
 |
| Time for baking.. one of these days I will clean my oven! |
 |
| Maybe we should eat dessert first? |
 |
| The unglamorous cook |
Tuesday, November 22, 2011
Freezing In NorCal
I really hope my next home has central heat!
The weather has turned cold and foggy with rain and the result is my house has become an iceberg. It has electric, radiant heat in the ceilings, most of which are very high, that costs me an arm and a leg to run. Rather than mortgage my future to PG&E, I mostly use the wood stove to provide warmth, but in the mornings it can take a while to get the stove going again. While I wait bundled in my warmest clothes, freezing my ass off, I can't help but dream of warmer days back in Florida.
I was born and raised in the Sunshine State and didn't encounter northern California until the fall of 2004 when a whirlwind job relocation whizzed me across the country to this place. That winter was particularly cold and rainy and I remember thinking I'd made a terrible mistake in moving. Sitting in front of the stove this morning, I find myself wondering the same thing.
I have come to love California, though, particularly the quirkiness of Santa Cruz, even with the cold and damp. The mountains where I live are particularly beautiful, graced with majestic redwoods that silently stand over my existence. Culture and diversity abound where I live and I find myself feeling more at home here as an individual than anywhere else. Even still, spending winter or at least part of it in a tropical location sounds inviting, doesn't it?
For now, I'll brace for winter in my layered clothing while clutching my coffee cup with one frozen hand and perusing craigslist for potential new homes with the other. Hopefully the one I end up in will have central heat!
The weather has turned cold and foggy with rain and the result is my house has become an iceberg. It has electric, radiant heat in the ceilings, most of which are very high, that costs me an arm and a leg to run. Rather than mortgage my future to PG&E, I mostly use the wood stove to provide warmth, but in the mornings it can take a while to get the stove going again. While I wait bundled in my warmest clothes, freezing my ass off, I can't help but dream of warmer days back in Florida.
I was born and raised in the Sunshine State and didn't encounter northern California until the fall of 2004 when a whirlwind job relocation whizzed me across the country to this place. That winter was particularly cold and rainy and I remember thinking I'd made a terrible mistake in moving. Sitting in front of the stove this morning, I find myself wondering the same thing.
I have come to love California, though, particularly the quirkiness of Santa Cruz, even with the cold and damp. The mountains where I live are particularly beautiful, graced with majestic redwoods that silently stand over my existence. Culture and diversity abound where I live and I find myself feeling more at home here as an individual than anywhere else. Even still, spending winter or at least part of it in a tropical location sounds inviting, doesn't it?
For now, I'll brace for winter in my layered clothing while clutching my coffee cup with one frozen hand and perusing craigslist for potential new homes with the other. Hopefully the one I end up in will have central heat!
Monday, November 21, 2011
Give Thanks
Yesterday as part of my church's worship services, I had the privilege of singing harmony on a song entitled "Give Thanks." Not every song I sing touches my heart, but yesterday this one did.
It would be easy for me to be "disgruntled" at the moment given all the challenges I'm faced with, but yesterday as I sang, countless blessings that fill my life came to mind. I decided to take some time here on the blog to reflect on the ones that matter most to me:
1. My Faith and Love for God. I don't know where I'd be without this and the relationship I share with the God I worship and adore. Even in my darkest moments, He is with me. I have been abandoned by many, but I know He will always be there for me. The peace that comes with this knowing is the real treasure of my life.
2. My Children. I am mother to three and with no doubt I can say becoming a mother has been the greatest experience of my life. From loving a man enough to carry his child, the amazing body transformation of pregnancy, the closeness of a helpless infant at your breast, the wonder of watching a child become an adult... how can one say "no" to experiences such as these? The love that came with each child has filled my life and even with the hardships that came along with the joy, I wouldn't change a thing...
3. My Health. I am a very healthy woman. I know at any moment this can change so I try very hard not to take my health for granted, though at the moment I will admit to having an occasional bad habit that I'm trying to set aside. I'm also working hard to get my weight back to a healthy level... read more about that at my Woman vs. Fat blog.
4. My Music. If I'm feeling blue, I put on some great music to cheer me up. If I'm writing a love poem, I put on music that stirs my emotions. Music is such a big part of my life and colors my world with vibrant and beautiful sounds. I'd be lost without it and I'm so grateful my mother made it a point to bring music into my life as a young girl.
5. My Friends and Family. Yesterday at church, I had the opportunity to console a grieving choir member who had just lost a beloved pet. After service, another choir member comforted me when I found myself unable to hold back tears of sadness. My world is filled with kind souls and each of them, whether family or friend, is a gem stone I cherish.
There are many other things to be thankful for - a roof over my head, a car that runs, plenty of food in my pantry and sufficient money to get along each day. Given there are so many in this world with so little, it is important to me to acknowledge just how much I truly have. I hope you will do the same.
Happy Thanksgiving.
Kristin
It would be easy for me to be "disgruntled" at the moment given all the challenges I'm faced with, but yesterday as I sang, countless blessings that fill my life came to mind. I decided to take some time here on the blog to reflect on the ones that matter most to me:
1. My Faith and Love for God. I don't know where I'd be without this and the relationship I share with the God I worship and adore. Even in my darkest moments, He is with me. I have been abandoned by many, but I know He will always be there for me. The peace that comes with this knowing is the real treasure of my life.
2. My Children. I am mother to three and with no doubt I can say becoming a mother has been the greatest experience of my life. From loving a man enough to carry his child, the amazing body transformation of pregnancy, the closeness of a helpless infant at your breast, the wonder of watching a child become an adult... how can one say "no" to experiences such as these? The love that came with each child has filled my life and even with the hardships that came along with the joy, I wouldn't change a thing...
3. My Health. I am a very healthy woman. I know at any moment this can change so I try very hard not to take my health for granted, though at the moment I will admit to having an occasional bad habit that I'm trying to set aside. I'm also working hard to get my weight back to a healthy level... read more about that at my Woman vs. Fat blog.
4. My Music. If I'm feeling blue, I put on some great music to cheer me up. If I'm writing a love poem, I put on music that stirs my emotions. Music is such a big part of my life and colors my world with vibrant and beautiful sounds. I'd be lost without it and I'm so grateful my mother made it a point to bring music into my life as a young girl.
5. My Friends and Family. Yesterday at church, I had the opportunity to console a grieving choir member who had just lost a beloved pet. After service, another choir member comforted me when I found myself unable to hold back tears of sadness. My world is filled with kind souls and each of them, whether family or friend, is a gem stone I cherish.
There are many other things to be thankful for - a roof over my head, a car that runs, plenty of food in my pantry and sufficient money to get along each day. Given there are so many in this world with so little, it is important to me to acknowledge just how much I truly have. I hope you will do the same.
 |
| Rehearsing "Give Thanks" |
Happy Thanksgiving.
Kristin
Wednesday, November 16, 2011
Virtuous Patience
If patience is a virtue, then I'm the most virtuous woman I know as it seems I am waiting for everything these days. Waiting for a job. Waiting to find out about my house. Waiting for my next interview. Waiting for an email response. Waiting for a phone call. Waiting, waiting, waiting.
This reminds me of a time a couple years ago when I was also waiting for events to happen and it was torture! At that time, I did a quick calligraph of the word "patience" that I placed on a bookshelf to remind me that my focus was patience in every day. Seeing that reminder each day helped me through that time.
The time for patience has come again and I admit, it's easier this time around, but even so, I do find myself wringing my hands from time to time. Maybe it's time to do yet another calligraph of "patience." =)
Staying busy helps me when I'm waiting for something and I have many things that I can occupy my time with, but always in the back of my mind is the waiting and the need for patience. Are you like this? Is there something you can do that completely takes your mind away? I struggle with this as the thoughts in my mind are hard to turn off or even turn down.
Making art holds my best chance for truly escaping my thoughts, even if only for a few minutes at a time. With a watercolor brush in my hand, the world can literally stand still and the worries of the day are washed away with each stroke. I definitely need to get my hands on my paints!
It certainly is not easy for me to be patient, but I know this is what is required of me right now and I'm willing to hold up my end of the bargain as I walk this new path.
This reminds me of a time a couple years ago when I was also waiting for events to happen and it was torture! At that time, I did a quick calligraph of the word "patience" that I placed on a bookshelf to remind me that my focus was patience in every day. Seeing that reminder each day helped me through that time.
The time for patience has come again and I admit, it's easier this time around, but even so, I do find myself wringing my hands from time to time. Maybe it's time to do yet another calligraph of "patience." =)
Staying busy helps me when I'm waiting for something and I have many things that I can occupy my time with, but always in the back of my mind is the waiting and the need for patience. Are you like this? Is there something you can do that completely takes your mind away? I struggle with this as the thoughts in my mind are hard to turn off or even turn down.
Making art holds my best chance for truly escaping my thoughts, even if only for a few minutes at a time. With a watercolor brush in my hand, the world can literally stand still and the worries of the day are washed away with each stroke. I definitely need to get my hands on my paints!
It certainly is not easy for me to be patient, but I know this is what is required of me right now and I'm willing to hold up my end of the bargain as I walk this new path.
Galatians 5:22 But the fruits of The Spirit are love, joy, peace, patience, sweetness, goodness, faith
Saturday, November 12, 2011
My Other Blogs
Hope you have a great weekend planned for yourself.
Please do visit my other blogs, Kreative Kristin and Woman vs. Fat. If I don't have a new post here on Off Topic, you can usually find a new posting on one of my other blogs. Every once in a while, when the planets and moon align just right, there is new content on all three! Do stay tuned.
Finally, I love hearing from you. Thanks for the emails and comments!
Happy Saturday...
K
Please do visit my other blogs, Kreative Kristin and Woman vs. Fat. If I don't have a new post here on Off Topic, you can usually find a new posting on one of my other blogs. Every once in a while, when the planets and moon align just right, there is new content on all three! Do stay tuned.
Finally, I love hearing from you. Thanks for the emails and comments!
Happy Saturday...
K
Thursday, November 10, 2011
The Symphony
Today I purchased myself a ticket to this Saturday's Santa Cruz Symphony performance, "Three's Company." I love getting dressed up and going out to listen to great music and, frankly, I can't remember the last time I did that. With that thought in mind and the Good Times in hand, I called the Civic Center box office and purchased a great seat for myself. I'm already planning my outfit! =)
As a musician myself, I know the work that goes into preparing for a performance. I have fond memories from when I played in my high school's symphonic band. Our band was one of the best in the state of Florida and there was nothing like the night of a performance or, even more petrifying, the day of a contest. I get goose bumps thinking about it. Of course, I'll be relaxing in the audience this Saturday, enjoying the music and the stirrings that will inevitably come from my heart. Can't wait!
What are you going to do this weekend?
As a musician myself, I know the work that goes into preparing for a performance. I have fond memories from when I played in my high school's symphonic band. Our band was one of the best in the state of Florida and there was nothing like the night of a performance or, even more petrifying, the day of a contest. I get goose bumps thinking about it. Of course, I'll be relaxing in the audience this Saturday, enjoying the music and the stirrings that will inevitably come from my heart. Can't wait!
What are you going to do this weekend?
Monday, November 7, 2011
A New Normal
I don't like to use the word "normal" because, frankly, normal is so subjective; what is normal to one can be completely foreign to another. If we waste time wondering about the "normalcy" of others, constantly comparing our "normal" to theirs, what good does that actually do us? Let's just all assume for the moment that we'll each experience "normal" as individualistically as we are individuals.
I like thinking of normal this way because it gives me the freedom to define my own normal and if you've been reading me lately, you know I'm doing a lot of that these days.
At the moment, I find myself living in a world of opposites where what once was normal is no longer and what is becoming normal is completely foreign. It's like being on Mr. Toad's Wild Ride - you never know what's coming from around the next corner!
Adding to the challenge of finding a new normal for myself is the fact I'm currently not working and have an enormous amount of free time. This can be both good and bad. Good in that I have much freedom to do whatever I want. Bad in that I have much freedom to do whatever I want. This leads me back to my poem, Choices, and how important my choices are not only in this moment, but in every moment.
What will be next? Who and what will cross my path now? It is intriguing to consider the many possibilities and I am filled with curiosity to experience the newness of each day and with it, defining my new normal.
I like thinking of normal this way because it gives me the freedom to define my own normal and if you've been reading me lately, you know I'm doing a lot of that these days.
At the moment, I find myself living in a world of opposites where what once was normal is no longer and what is becoming normal is completely foreign. It's like being on Mr. Toad's Wild Ride - you never know what's coming from around the next corner!
Adding to the challenge of finding a new normal for myself is the fact I'm currently not working and have an enormous amount of free time. This can be both good and bad. Good in that I have much freedom to do whatever I want. Bad in that I have much freedom to do whatever I want. This leads me back to my poem, Choices, and how important my choices are not only in this moment, but in every moment.
What will be next? Who and what will cross my path now? It is intriguing to consider the many possibilities and I am filled with curiosity to experience the newness of each day and with it, defining my new normal.
Thursday, November 3, 2011
Until Death Do Us Part
I have been married three times. Today I received divorce papers in the mail, thus, I will be divorced three times, as well.
I've put much thought into my marriages over these past weeks. I've considered the state of mind I was in when I entered the relationship and later when I entered the marriage itself. I've also been reading old journals to remind me what I was thinking and feeling at these times in my life. Sometimes I love having my old journals, but sometimes the words in them and even more so, the person who wrote them, are difficult to read and embrace.
I don't really count my first marriage. I was nineteen when I married and had no idea what I was doing. The marriage lasted 15 months. Death did not do us part, my immaturity did.
I was twenty-four when I married my second husband, the father of my three children. I was pregnant when we said our "I do's." This man was one of the two great loves of my life and the early years of our marriage are remembered with great joy. Nonetheless, we divorced nearly nine years later. Death did not do us part, many other things did.
Older and more experienced, I exited that marriage feeling confident I understood what I wanted in a man and in a committed relationship. Enter husband #3. We married when I was in my mid-thirties and I thought, for sure, this one would last forever. I was wrong and am left again to consider another failure, another "death did not do us part."
There is much to consider in all three cases, especially this last one. There is even more to learn about myself, about relationships, about commitment. Even more still to consider about my future.
This time, as I walk away, I am noticing many changes. The old routines are gone and a new woman is emerging, never before known to the world. She is even unfamiliar to me, but as I take the time to know her better, I'm excited and intrigued to know more.
And one thing is for sure - she and I will be together until death do us part.
I've put much thought into my marriages over these past weeks. I've considered the state of mind I was in when I entered the relationship and later when I entered the marriage itself. I've also been reading old journals to remind me what I was thinking and feeling at these times in my life. Sometimes I love having my old journals, but sometimes the words in them and even more so, the person who wrote them, are difficult to read and embrace.
I don't really count my first marriage. I was nineteen when I married and had no idea what I was doing. The marriage lasted 15 months. Death did not do us part, my immaturity did.
I was twenty-four when I married my second husband, the father of my three children. I was pregnant when we said our "I do's." This man was one of the two great loves of my life and the early years of our marriage are remembered with great joy. Nonetheless, we divorced nearly nine years later. Death did not do us part, many other things did.
Older and more experienced, I exited that marriage feeling confident I understood what I wanted in a man and in a committed relationship. Enter husband #3. We married when I was in my mid-thirties and I thought, for sure, this one would last forever. I was wrong and am left again to consider another failure, another "death did not do us part."
There is much to consider in all three cases, especially this last one. There is even more to learn about myself, about relationships, about commitment. Even more still to consider about my future.
This time, as I walk away, I am noticing many changes. The old routines are gone and a new woman is emerging, never before known to the world. She is even unfamiliar to me, but as I take the time to know her better, I'm excited and intrigued to know more.
And one thing is for sure - she and I will be together until death do us part.
Tuesday, November 1, 2011
A New Path
Today is the beginning of a new month and will mark the beginning of a new path for my life.
Sometimes life offers us choices on which path to walk, but often the path we are given is not by choice, but by some other circumstance out of our control. With that, the path can be difficult, unwanted and seemingly impossible to traverse. It is in these moments that we must make a choice within ourselves that has nothing to do with the path and everything to do with the walk.
When I think about walking an unwanted path, I think of one scripture in Luke where Jesus is praying just prior to his arrest in the garden:
I have written about this scripture before and spoken of it many times. Today, again, this scripture speaks to me about my life and my current circumstances.
Jesus, of course, continued with the Father's plan - he walked the difficult path to the cross where, as an innocent man, he was crucified. Some of his last words were "Father, forgive them, for they know not what they do."
I can only hope for Grace such as this to guide me with my walk now. The path is difficult and unwanted and very unexpected, but I will try to take each step with poise and grace remembering that how I walk this path is just as important as the path itself.
Sometimes life offers us choices on which path to walk, but often the path we are given is not by choice, but by some other circumstance out of our control. With that, the path can be difficult, unwanted and seemingly impossible to traverse. It is in these moments that we must make a choice within ourselves that has nothing to do with the path and everything to do with the walk.
When I think about walking an unwanted path, I think of one scripture in Luke where Jesus is praying just prior to his arrest in the garden:
Luke 22:42 NLT "Father, if you are willing, please take this cup of suffering away from me. Yet I want your will to be done, not mine."
I have written about this scripture before and spoken of it many times. Today, again, this scripture speaks to me about my life and my current circumstances.
Jesus, of course, continued with the Father's plan - he walked the difficult path to the cross where, as an innocent man, he was crucified. Some of his last words were "Father, forgive them, for they know not what they do."
I can only hope for Grace such as this to guide me with my walk now. The path is difficult and unwanted and very unexpected, but I will try to take each step with poise and grace remembering that how I walk this path is just as important as the path itself.
Monday, October 31, 2011
Me and My Shadow
Today, my daily prayer book focused on our "shadow" - the dark side of our lives and personalities. It was an uncomfortable read given how familiar I am with this side of myself at the moment.
Things in our shadow are not just our faults. Our shadow is bigger than that and includes all of our potential to be truly nasty. I believe this is an inherent trait in all humans. The question then is what to do about it.
My prayer book offered a suggestion - to accept my shadow - to love it unconditionally and to not run away from it. For it is only when we stand and face that which we do not like that we can finally overcome it.
I made a mental list of the things that I believe live in my shadow. For today, I will do everything I can to merely accept these things without wanting to change them, forget them or run away from them. They are just another part of me - a part that doesn't have to rule my world, but a part that needs to be acknowledged and loved for what it is.
I am human. I am woman. I am imperfect. I am many things both good and bad and I will knowingly love each part of myself fully and unconditionally.
Today, I simply am.
Things in our shadow are not just our faults. Our shadow is bigger than that and includes all of our potential to be truly nasty. I believe this is an inherent trait in all humans. The question then is what to do about it.
My prayer book offered a suggestion - to accept my shadow - to love it unconditionally and to not run away from it. For it is only when we stand and face that which we do not like that we can finally overcome it.
I made a mental list of the things that I believe live in my shadow. For today, I will do everything I can to merely accept these things without wanting to change them, forget them or run away from them. They are just another part of me - a part that doesn't have to rule my world, but a part that needs to be acknowledged and loved for what it is.
I am human. I am woman. I am imperfect. I am many things both good and bad and I will knowingly love each part of myself fully and unconditionally.
Today, I simply am.
Tuesday, October 25, 2011
Sleep Returns
After what seems like weeks of sleepless nights, I'm back to sleeping soundly and that is a wonderful thing.
Lack of sleep is one thing my body just can't handle - I need my sleep and so do you - but sometimes the worries of life keep us up at night. When there is nothing I can do to fall asleep, I find that not fighting it works best. I simply submit to the insomnia and get up and do something. I've also found that getting caught up in something I love can certainly take my mind off my worries.
So I'm focusing on job hunting, cleaning, organizing, financial planning, cooking, my son and his studies and all the things I love in my life. And it's working.
For the past two nights I have fallen asleep shortly after hitting the pillow and have slept through the night to wake feeling refreshed. Anxiety still hangs out with me in the mornings, but even that is fading now.
Sleep is important. Make sure you get enough and when you can't, be kind to your Self and take it easy. Sleep will return once your mind can rest.
Lack of sleep is one thing my body just can't handle - I need my sleep and so do you - but sometimes the worries of life keep us up at night. When there is nothing I can do to fall asleep, I find that not fighting it works best. I simply submit to the insomnia and get up and do something. I've also found that getting caught up in something I love can certainly take my mind off my worries.
So I'm focusing on job hunting, cleaning, organizing, financial planning, cooking, my son and his studies and all the things I love in my life. And it's working.
For the past two nights I have fallen asleep shortly after hitting the pillow and have slept through the night to wake feeling refreshed. Anxiety still hangs out with me in the mornings, but even that is fading now.
Sleep is important. Make sure you get enough and when you can't, be kind to your Self and take it easy. Sleep will return once your mind can rest.
Monday, October 24, 2011
A Place for Music
For as long as I can remember, I have played an instrument. The piano was my first love. I was taught by our church's pianist, Gwynn, until the day came she could teach me nothing more. She explained to my mother, "she's learned everything I know to teach her," and so the search began for another. I'm not sure how my mother found my next teacher, Mrs. Clements, but she was never able to make lessons "fun" like Gwynn had and piano was never the same for me. I eventually quit taking lessons and our family's upright was sold.
Today I still play a little piano and often spend time alone at the piano in my church. I've taught myself to read the bass clef again and, slowly, the many years of practice rooted deep in my muscle memory are bringing back to my present the ability to play a simple tune.
But when it comes to instruments, there is only one that owns my heart and that is the flute.
I remember exactly the day my mother brought home my first flute. It was a Bundy student model and I loved how small the case was. It glimmered and shined and I was thrilled for it to be mine. I proudly carried it to band class in the seventh grade where Mr. Hankins would become my first beloved band director.
I was horrible when I first began to play. I could hardly blow a note, let alone make a nice tone. I sat at the end of the row with the others who also struggled and we watched in awe as the first and second chair players sweetly and with ease created the most beautiful sounds that one could imagine or at least could be imagined by a bunch of gangly twelve- year-olds.
Time passed and I kept at it, practicing alone in my bedroom, driving my family crazy with the repetition of scales and arpeggios coupled with endless fingering, tonguing and breathing exercises. The flute is a very loud instrument and we lived in a small house. Need I say more?
The day came when I entered high school, but not just any high school. I would attend Leto High School, which had one of the best marching bands and Symphonies in the state of Florida. It was also during high school that my parents found a way to give me an expensive, professional model flute. Finally with a quality instrument in my hands and under the loving and talented direction of Bobby Keen, my musical talent would unfold and blossom.
By the time I graduated from Leto, I had become first chair flute in the school's Symphony. I was also awarded the Most Outstanding Musician Award at the Senior Assembly, though the picture in the yearbook would go to another outstanding musician as Mr. Keen explained he had been unable to decide between the two of us who was best. The plaque I received that day at the assembly, though long lost, remains a treasure in my heart to this day.
I still have my professional flute from high school, though the Bundy is long gone. I also have the piccolo I marched with and another prototype flute I added to my collection a few years ago. I still play today and often accompany my church's choir or play solo as part of services. I played at my brother's wedding reception years ago and took one semester at Cabrillo College to play in their Symphony a couple years back. I've actually been contemplating returning to Cabrillo to once again play with them. We'll see.
For now, I'll simply remember to make a place for music in each day to remind me that there are still many songs in my life yet to be played.
Today I still play a little piano and often spend time alone at the piano in my church. I've taught myself to read the bass clef again and, slowly, the many years of practice rooted deep in my muscle memory are bringing back to my present the ability to play a simple tune.
But when it comes to instruments, there is only one that owns my heart and that is the flute.
I remember exactly the day my mother brought home my first flute. It was a Bundy student model and I loved how small the case was. It glimmered and shined and I was thrilled for it to be mine. I proudly carried it to band class in the seventh grade where Mr. Hankins would become my first beloved band director.
I was horrible when I first began to play. I could hardly blow a note, let alone make a nice tone. I sat at the end of the row with the others who also struggled and we watched in awe as the first and second chair players sweetly and with ease created the most beautiful sounds that one could imagine or at least could be imagined by a bunch of gangly twelve- year-olds.
Time passed and I kept at it, practicing alone in my bedroom, driving my family crazy with the repetition of scales and arpeggios coupled with endless fingering, tonguing and breathing exercises. The flute is a very loud instrument and we lived in a small house. Need I say more?
The day came when I entered high school, but not just any high school. I would attend Leto High School, which had one of the best marching bands and Symphonies in the state of Florida. It was also during high school that my parents found a way to give me an expensive, professional model flute. Finally with a quality instrument in my hands and under the loving and talented direction of Bobby Keen, my musical talent would unfold and blossom.
By the time I graduated from Leto, I had become first chair flute in the school's Symphony. I was also awarded the Most Outstanding Musician Award at the Senior Assembly, though the picture in the yearbook would go to another outstanding musician as Mr. Keen explained he had been unable to decide between the two of us who was best. The plaque I received that day at the assembly, though long lost, remains a treasure in my heart to this day.
I still have my professional flute from high school, though the Bundy is long gone. I also have the piccolo I marched with and another prototype flute I added to my collection a few years ago. I still play today and often accompany my church's choir or play solo as part of services. I played at my brother's wedding reception years ago and took one semester at Cabrillo College to play in their Symphony a couple years back. I've actually been contemplating returning to Cabrillo to once again play with them. We'll see.
For now, I'll simply remember to make a place for music in each day to remind me that there are still many songs in my life yet to be played.
Friday, October 21, 2011
Mornings With Anxiety
After more than a week of vicious arguments that started in Santa Barbara and after retreating to a hotel to spend three nights surrounded by peace during my outpatient surgery, I returned home to learn my husband had rented a residence for himself and was moving out. He packed a few things in his truck, took our two dogs and left. Couple this with the fact I am unemployed and living in a house in the final stages of foreclosure and you have the makings of Hell, within which I am now living.
The first and immediate reaction is shock. Sure, we've had our knock down, drag out fights in the past, but we always had an underlying love and at least one of us has always held on to that long enough for the other to come around. That is now gone, the marriage is over, and the time to move on has come, but moving on means setting aside nearly fifteen years of my life and that bitter pill just won't go down.
The mornings are hardest. I wake each day with anxiety wrapped snuggly around my gut, effectively squeezing all hope and trust out of reach. I try to calm myself with hot tea, journaling, blogging - anything! - but the hold is relentless and there is nothing I can do except submit to the pain.
Ultimately, the root of these feelings are within me and I own them. Understanding is now my goal along with deep introspection. I know I had a part in this and that I, too, acted badly, so my focus is on my own actions, expectations, disappointments and personal growth.
Nothing soothes my soul more than solitude and by spending my mornings alone and with anxiety, I'll take the time to do the needed work that will free me from this Hell. In the end, what is working best is to focus on the love that IS in my life and in my heart, all the while remembering that giving and receiving love is our ultimate purpose on this earth.
To honor this and the last fifteen years of my life, no matter how angry and hurt I am, I lift him up in prayer in the hopes that God will bless his new life with peace, happiness and prosperity. I pray also for my own life - to find all the pieces that have been scattered and lost through the years and bring them back together to create a whole person. It's a new and unfamiliar path, but one I will travel as each new day presents itself.
In the end, I know God is with me and will provide. Indeed, He has already been quick to answer several prayers and with each step I take, the anxiety loosens its grip and frees another small piece of my Self.
Ultimately, we are all alone. No one shares the space of our minds. No one will share the final act of our death. We came into this world alone and we will leave it alone and, for the time being, I will live alone.
And I will be happy.
The first and immediate reaction is shock. Sure, we've had our knock down, drag out fights in the past, but we always had an underlying love and at least one of us has always held on to that long enough for the other to come around. That is now gone, the marriage is over, and the time to move on has come, but moving on means setting aside nearly fifteen years of my life and that bitter pill just won't go down.
The mornings are hardest. I wake each day with anxiety wrapped snuggly around my gut, effectively squeezing all hope and trust out of reach. I try to calm myself with hot tea, journaling, blogging - anything! - but the hold is relentless and there is nothing I can do except submit to the pain.
Ultimately, the root of these feelings are within me and I own them. Understanding is now my goal along with deep introspection. I know I had a part in this and that I, too, acted badly, so my focus is on my own actions, expectations, disappointments and personal growth.
Nothing soothes my soul more than solitude and by spending my mornings alone and with anxiety, I'll take the time to do the needed work that will free me from this Hell. In the end, what is working best is to focus on the love that IS in my life and in my heart, all the while remembering that giving and receiving love is our ultimate purpose on this earth.
To honor this and the last fifteen years of my life, no matter how angry and hurt I am, I lift him up in prayer in the hopes that God will bless his new life with peace, happiness and prosperity. I pray also for my own life - to find all the pieces that have been scattered and lost through the years and bring them back together to create a whole person. It's a new and unfamiliar path, but one I will travel as each new day presents itself.
In the end, I know God is with me and will provide. Indeed, He has already been quick to answer several prayers and with each step I take, the anxiety loosens its grip and frees another small piece of my Self.
Ultimately, we are all alone. No one shares the space of our minds. No one will share the final act of our death. We came into this world alone and we will leave it alone and, for the time being, I will live alone.
And I will be happy.
Thursday, October 20, 2011
Conversations With Self
Nothing can make you feel more crazy than suddenly realizing, while journaling, you are writing a conversation with two voices within your mind and these voices are very different and distinct; one with depths of wisdom, the other usually caught up in some earthly squabble.
It was only after reading Elizabeth Gilbert's Eat Pray Love that I came to understand this happens frequently with those who journal. I decided to let this part of my journaling flow, but rather than flow, I focused and much like the "big" dreams when I was a little girl, the conversation didn't happen when I tried to make it. Only when my mind is focused on the writing is there the possibility the conversation will show up.
Understanding this has created a new type of journaling for me where I not only write, I also listen, honing in on any thoughts that arise from the caverns of my be-ing. It is a fascinating and most intriguing experience and one that all of us can have.
There was a time, though, when I was caught up in the thought that I can't write until I become a "writer" and with that burden, my journaling was hampered. My journal has also been violated on more than one occasion - being read without permission. This, too, can cause journaling to be difficult. I've let go of all that and, as a result, my journaling has blossomed into the flower it is today.
Through my blogs and also in my personal journals (I carry a small Moleskine with me everywhere and keep a spiral notebook at home) I capture whatever pops into my mind for attention. By making note and listening, I draw out a deep connection not only with my world, but also with myself.
A few years back I also discovered Watercolor Journaling and this, too, has greatly enhanced my ability to connect with what lies within, always discovering how that frames my view of what lies with-out.
Can you tell I'm a big fan of journaling? =)
If you journal, "keep writing." A dear friend once told me this and it was the best advise I've ever received in regards to my journaling efforts. If you don't journal, I would suggest giving it a try.
I'll end with this quote from Plato's Apology:
It was only after reading Elizabeth Gilbert's Eat Pray Love that I came to understand this happens frequently with those who journal. I decided to let this part of my journaling flow, but rather than flow, I focused and much like the "big" dreams when I was a little girl, the conversation didn't happen when I tried to make it. Only when my mind is focused on the writing is there the possibility the conversation will show up.
Understanding this has created a new type of journaling for me where I not only write, I also listen, honing in on any thoughts that arise from the caverns of my be-ing. It is a fascinating and most intriguing experience and one that all of us can have.
There was a time, though, when I was caught up in the thought that I can't write until I become a "writer" and with that burden, my journaling was hampered. My journal has also been violated on more than one occasion - being read without permission. This, too, can cause journaling to be difficult. I've let go of all that and, as a result, my journaling has blossomed into the flower it is today.
Through my blogs and also in my personal journals (I carry a small Moleskine with me everywhere and keep a spiral notebook at home) I capture whatever pops into my mind for attention. By making note and listening, I draw out a deep connection not only with my world, but also with myself.
A few years back I also discovered Watercolor Journaling and this, too, has greatly enhanced my ability to connect with what lies within, always discovering how that frames my view of what lies with-out.
Can you tell I'm a big fan of journaling? =)
If you journal, "keep writing." A dear friend once told me this and it was the best advise I've ever received in regards to my journaling efforts. If you don't journal, I would suggest giving it a try.
I'll end with this quote from Plato's Apology:
I realized that it was not by wisdom that poets write their poetry, but by a kind of nature or inspiration, such as you find in seers and prophets; for these also say many beautiful things, but do not know anything of what they say. (Apology, 22c)
Wednesday, October 19, 2011
Woman of Faith
From the time I was a young girl, "God" has been a part of my life.
At first, God was a Sunday morning routine that included Tom & Jerry, my prettiest dresses, and the unavoidable, most-boring-ever "time on the pew" where us kids were expected to sit still and be quiet. My two older brothers and I got into more trouble at church than anywhere else. Of course, getting into trouble at church meant a long, quiet ride home in the car in the hopes our earlier transgressions would be forgotten. In most cases, they were not, but in the few instances when they were or when we were at least "forgiven" without a round with the belt, I remember thanking God for sparing us.
It was also at this time in my childhood when the "big" dreams began. I shared a room with my younger brother and during that time whilst sleeping in the bunk beds, I would have dreamy sensations of something so big, it frightened me. At first I feared it, but nothing I did would make it stop coming to me as I fell asleep each night. After some time, though, the sensation became familiar and comforting. It was as if it would surround me and completely fill the void of the room, encompassing me within itself.
Once the sensation became familiar, it no longer came every night. I remember as a young child trying to make it come, but it just didn't work that way. It came only when it wanted, seeping into my mind and then outward with no end. As time passed, the occurrences happened less and less until they eventually stopped.
Finally, one day at church, something the preacher said caught my heart. To this day, I do not remember his words, but I clearly remember the feeling that unexpectedly sprang from my heart. I tried my best to hide it, but by the end of the service, I could hide no more. In our church, at the end of every service, the preacher would always call out for those wanting Christ to come into their lives to step forward and "come to Jesus." On that day, risking the wrath of my parents, I stepped from the pew and walked into the arms of my preacher and my God.
My preacher wasn't quite sure what to do with me and he handed me off to another elder in the church who knew me and my family. I remember he and I talked alone after services where he tried to explain what God was. What I recall of that conversation is his taking off his wedding ring and saying, "God is like this ring, He has no beginning and no end." He also explained that God loved me more than anything and wanted nothing more than for me to love Him back. Seemed easy enough to me and, frankly, a better deal than the one I had going, so I prayed with him for the forgiveness of my sins and for the living waters of Christ to enter my heart and give me everlasting life in Him. I walked away not knowing what all that meant, but it did feel good.
My family eventually left the church and Sundays became another day to play, but the memories of my time there coupled with the memories of my dreams created in me a curiosity about God, one that has stayed with me throughout my life. I must admit of all the things I've wondered about in this world, God takes the cake. Just when I'm about to write Him off as absolutely not possible, He shows up in a way that reminds me that not only is He there, He's tuned in and paying attention.
Since my childhood, many things have happened in my life that convince me God is real. I know there are many people who disagree and choose a different path and that's fine for them, but for me, I will spend my life seeking and watching for God. It's like the child playing hide and seek and this little girl will never grow tired of the game.
At first, God was a Sunday morning routine that included Tom & Jerry, my prettiest dresses, and the unavoidable, most-boring-ever "time on the pew" where us kids were expected to sit still and be quiet. My two older brothers and I got into more trouble at church than anywhere else. Of course, getting into trouble at church meant a long, quiet ride home in the car in the hopes our earlier transgressions would be forgotten. In most cases, they were not, but in the few instances when they were or when we were at least "forgiven" without a round with the belt, I remember thanking God for sparing us.
It was also at this time in my childhood when the "big" dreams began. I shared a room with my younger brother and during that time whilst sleeping in the bunk beds, I would have dreamy sensations of something so big, it frightened me. At first I feared it, but nothing I did would make it stop coming to me as I fell asleep each night. After some time, though, the sensation became familiar and comforting. It was as if it would surround me and completely fill the void of the room, encompassing me within itself.
Once the sensation became familiar, it no longer came every night. I remember as a young child trying to make it come, but it just didn't work that way. It came only when it wanted, seeping into my mind and then outward with no end. As time passed, the occurrences happened less and less until they eventually stopped.
Finally, one day at church, something the preacher said caught my heart. To this day, I do not remember his words, but I clearly remember the feeling that unexpectedly sprang from my heart. I tried my best to hide it, but by the end of the service, I could hide no more. In our church, at the end of every service, the preacher would always call out for those wanting Christ to come into their lives to step forward and "come to Jesus." On that day, risking the wrath of my parents, I stepped from the pew and walked into the arms of my preacher and my God.
My preacher wasn't quite sure what to do with me and he handed me off to another elder in the church who knew me and my family. I remember he and I talked alone after services where he tried to explain what God was. What I recall of that conversation is his taking off his wedding ring and saying, "God is like this ring, He has no beginning and no end." He also explained that God loved me more than anything and wanted nothing more than for me to love Him back. Seemed easy enough to me and, frankly, a better deal than the one I had going, so I prayed with him for the forgiveness of my sins and for the living waters of Christ to enter my heart and give me everlasting life in Him. I walked away not knowing what all that meant, but it did feel good.
My family eventually left the church and Sundays became another day to play, but the memories of my time there coupled with the memories of my dreams created in me a curiosity about God, one that has stayed with me throughout my life. I must admit of all the things I've wondered about in this world, God takes the cake. Just when I'm about to write Him off as absolutely not possible, He shows up in a way that reminds me that not only is He there, He's tuned in and paying attention.
Since my childhood, many things have happened in my life that convince me God is real. I know there are many people who disagree and choose a different path and that's fine for them, but for me, I will spend my life seeking and watching for God. It's like the child playing hide and seek and this little girl will never grow tired of the game.
Tuesday, October 18, 2011
Off Topic Returns
Revised November 14, 2011
The original Off Topic blog went live in December 2003 and continued through December 2009. I finally took it down as it had become a personal "platform" inappropriate for the circumstances at the time. January 2010 marked the beginning of Kreative Kristin, a blog dedicated to sharing my creative works and since May 2009, I've been blogging on Woman vs. Fat.
But neither Kreative Kristin or Woman vs. Fat give me a real personal forum where I can present whatever pops into my mind. With that thought, I've decided to bring back Off Topic and see where it goes.
We all see the world from our own unique perspective... welcome to mine.
I hope you'll join me.
K
The original Off Topic blog went live in December 2003 and continued through December 2009. I finally took it down as it had become a personal "platform" inappropriate for the circumstances at the time. January 2010 marked the beginning of Kreative Kristin, a blog dedicated to sharing my creative works and since May 2009, I've been blogging on Woman vs. Fat.
But neither Kreative Kristin or Woman vs. Fat give me a real personal forum where I can present whatever pops into my mind. With that thought, I've decided to bring back Off Topic and see where it goes.
We all see the world from our own unique perspective... welcome to mine.
I hope you'll join me.
K
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