Mornings With Anxiety

After more than a week of vicious arguments that started in Santa Barbara and after retreating to a hotel to spend three nights surrounded by peace during my outpatient surgery, I returned home to learn my husband had rented a residence for himself and was moving out. He packed a few things in his truck, took our two dogs and left. Couple this with the fact I am unemployed and living in a house in the final stages of foreclosure and you have the makings of Hell, within which I am now living.

The first and immediate reaction is shock. Sure, we've had our knock down, drag out fights in the past, but we always had an underlying love and at least one of us has always held on to that long enough for the other to come around. That is now gone, the marriage is over, and the time to move on has come, but moving on means setting aside nearly fifteen years of my life and that bitter pill just won't go down.

The mornings are hardest. I wake each day with anxiety wrapped snuggly around my gut, effectively squeezing all hope and trust out of reach. I try to calm myself with hot tea, journaling, blogging - anything! - but the hold is relentless and there is nothing I can do except submit to the pain.

Ultimately, the root of these feelings are within me and I own them. Understanding is now my goal along with deep introspection. I know I had a part in this and that I, too, acted badly, so my focus is on my own actions, expectations, disappointments and personal growth.

Nothing soothes my soul more than solitude and by spending my mornings alone and with anxiety, I'll take the time to do the needed work that will free me from this Hell. In the end, what is working best is to focus on the love that IS in my life and in my heart, all the while remembering that giving and receiving love is our ultimate purpose on this earth.

To honor this and the last fifteen years of my life, no matter how angry and hurt I am, I lift him up in prayer in the hopes that God will bless his new life with peace, happiness and prosperity. I pray also for my own life - to find all the pieces that have been scattered and lost through the years and bring them back together to create a whole person. It's a new and unfamiliar path, but one I will travel as each new day presents itself.

In the end, I know God is with me and will provide. Indeed, He has already been quick to answer several prayers and with each step I take, the anxiety loosens its grip and frees another small piece of my Self.

Ultimately, we are all alone. No one shares the space of our minds. No one will share the final act of our death. We came into this world alone and we will leave it alone and, for the time being, I will live alone.

And I will be happy.